red
by michellejjones
Summary: Her eyes are almost vacant. Some say they weren't always like that. They say she lost people. They say that she's tried to forget them, but they're imprinted in her mind, a swirl of old blue that cannot fade. They say she misses them, and sometimes she regrets ever living on after their death. They are imprinted in her eyes, forever replaying in dark gray. [Oneshot. Gwen, Arthur.]


**Hi everyone: I'm writing fics for every Taylor Swift song in her _Red_ album, as a little tribute to her. This is my second fic in this series. The first is called _state of grace,_ and it's for the PJO fandom. Check it out of you like! Forgive me for any mistakes -this is my first _Merlin_ fanfic.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own _Red_ , Taylor Swift does. I also do not own _Merlin._ That is owned by BBC.**

 **Title:** **red.**

 **Summary:** **Her eyes are almost vacant. Some say they weren't always like that. They say she lost people. They say that she's tried to forget them, but they're imprinted in her mind, a swirl of old blue that cannot fade. They say she misses them, and some nights she regrets ever living on after their demise. They are imprinted in her eyes, forever replaying in dark gray.**

 **Songs Used:** **Pretty much the whole _Red_ album, but it's heavily inspired by the song _Red._**

 **WARNING:** **This fic is pretty angsty, so read at your own risk.**

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 _ **red.**_

 **by Everyone's a Mortal.**

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 _"Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.  
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song.  
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and then realizing there's no right answer.  
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that_ strong."  
 **~Taylor Swift, _Red._**

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"I wish I had never met Arthur."

Her voice is soft like a mourner's usually is. It goes almost unheard by Gaius, who is sitting next to her in the darkness of her old hut, where he'd found her.

"I wish I had never met any of them," Guinevere continues, absentmindedly fretting with the sleeves of her dress. She's had that habit since a young age. "I wish I'd never fallen in love with Arthur, I wish I'd never become best friends with Merlin and Morgana. I wish ...," She trails off and sniffles, looking at Gaius.

He knows she doesn't mean it.

She knows she doesn't mean it, too, and suddenly collapses, sobbing and wailing and doing all the things a queen is not allowed to do.

She acts human, she acts mournful, and Gaius lets her.

His eyes wander towards the old bed that rests in the kitchen, and then to her rickety dining table. Gaius turns back to the young girl he helped raise, patting her gently and sighing deeply. "Tell me about your love for Arthur." He glances down at her briefly, "Please."

There's a catch of breath as Gwen thinks about the statement, turning it over in her mind before finally saying, "I loathed him at first. All of Camelot knew I did, I think. I suppose that's the way love works, sometimes. Brings people into your life so you can change them and so they can change you. I loathed him until Merlin asked me to house him for a few days. He" -she chuckles, an outward sort-of thing that makes her eyes shine, even now- "He was so _rude._ He was so human. Over that span of time when I got to know him, when I gave him a piece of my mind and he tried _so hard_ to get on my good side I realized that he really was just a young man. He was a good man. He would be a good man to love."

She points towards the doorway and sits up, resting her head on Gaius's shoulder and dusting off the fine, silken dress in which she is wrapped. "We kissed there, for the first time. I think that was when I realized that I could be poorer than a peasant and still happy, as long as I had him. After that everything went wrong, and for the longest time I remember so much pain. Almost as much pain as I feel now. I remember walking through my chores and vacant smiles. I remember avoiding people's gazes and long, quiet evenings with Merlin as we just sat, him never telling me he understood and me never telling him I didn't think he could." She pauses, "I think he understood better than anyone, actually.

"I memorized him after a long time. I memorized the way he'd smirk when he so desperately wanted to cry, or the way his eyes would light up when he saw someone he knew could amuse him. I memorized how his back would straighten up slightly when he was with me, like he was trying to prove something he didn't need to. I memorized the cheekbones and eyes that I so desperately wanted. I memorized all those things and it broke my heart that I could never have him."

There's a long pause and she gets up, striding towards the door and then back again, long legs set in a pace that screams _let him go, let him go, let him go._

 _I can't._

Gaius watches her and doesn't say anything. Waits.

"He was as stubborn as an ox." Gwen bites her lip, straining to keep back tears. Was. What a cruel word. "He was as strong as one, too. I think, when you love someone, you're obligated to argue with them for their own well-being. And oh, did we argue. When we fought it was like picking up a sword for the first time -strong and heavy and hurtful. It was like being thrust into battle without armor. All your weak spots were exposed, and when you walked out, you walked out either stronger than before or a little more broken. I loved him anyway."

"And now?" Gaius asks. To anyone watching, it's a simple question. But to Gwen, it's a catastrophic one.

"And now I cannot forget him. And now I almost regret him. Almost, but not quite. And now I wish that I could forget all the things that haunt me and focus on the fact that he loved, and his love did good. And now I do what he'd want me to do. I do what he and Merlin would ask me to do." She strides towards the door and, shaking, places her hand on the knob.

"What would they want you to do?"

She doesn't look at him when she says it. "Love." She says. "Love, be loved, and do it for the good of the kingdom. They would want me to carry on." She opens the door and finally looks at him, "And so I shall."

She strides out of the hut and waits for Gaius. When he meets her, they link arms and stroll down the dark streets. Dawn is coming.

In the early morning light, if you look closely, you can see two figures walking down the empty streets of Camelot.

One is an old man who's lost more people than he can count. He walks with a limp, one eye almost disappeared and the other sharp. He has a drooping back and firm hands. A physician, he's never quite been able to mend himself. His hands are wrapped around the other person's, mending them even now with a smile that at one point reached his eyes.

He wonders if they ever will again.

The other is a girl, her posture bold and confident but her hands shaking, her eyes almost vacant. Some say they weren't always like that. They say she lost people. Her husband, her best friends, her whole family. They say that she's tried to forget them, but they are imprinted in her mind, a swirl of old blue that cannot fade. They say she misses them, and some nights she sits by the fireplace and regrets, regrets ever living on after their demise. They are imprinted in her eyes, living memories forever replaying in dark gray.

They say that she has loved and continues to love, even if it breaks her oh-so-many times. They say that she always wears a red dress because purple reminds her of her first kiss and yellow is too nostalgic. They say the red reminds her of all the evenings she spent with them, with her lost loved ones, laughing and talking and loving, forgetting all the bad things in life.

In the early morning light, should you look closely, you can see two figures carrying on, strolling down the brightening streets of Camelot.

They both wear red.

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 _"Losing him was blue like I'd never known.  
_ _Missing him was dark gray all alone.  
_ _Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met.  
_ _But loving him was red."  
_ **~Taylor Swift, _Red._**

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 **I hope you all enjoyed this fanfic! It's definitely not my best, sorry.** **Please REVIEW anyway, though! It really does help. CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is most welcome.**

 **Many blessings,  
Joss.**


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